Thanks Lee and madisgram for your words it is a miracle I'm not drinking and able to live independently and I keep forgetting that, my head tells me I'm useless and after a while I believe it if I dont go to meetings.my wink I think a lot of my issues are because of the self-awareness aa and being sober has given me, aswell as always being shy and self conscious before. Im catching myself saying so many negative or passive aggressive things I dont even need a therapist to point them out anymore perhaps things you think of yourself are not true at all. i call them false beliefs instilled earlier that create a distoted viewpoint of myself. work in progress for me. I had a psychiatrist appt last week and he has changed my diagnosis from an emotionally unstable personality disorder to being slightly autistic which freaked me out at first but he did say I had done incredibly well with the alcohol and getting off all the pills. I did read after autistic people have special abilities I just need to find out what mine are, .well one special ability i think you have is self expression and excellent communication skills already know its not flying Im going to see an aa old timer tomorrow he wants to sponsor me but I think I'd feel more comfortable with someone who struggled like me at first and got better. how do you know he'she didn't struggle like you did? Thanks again for replying and helping me therapist appt and aa meeting also tomorrow, keep on keepin on