my session today felt strange, and I left just overcome with sadness. I sat in my car and cried for a while before I drove away. I felt no connection with T today, it was just very strange.

I don't know quite what was going on in the room today. My T asked me first thing if anything was on my agenda. When she says that it makes warning bells go off for me, because she only asks when SHE has an agenda and she's trying to find out what mine is so she can fit them both in.

T was...distracted? She actually LEFT THE ROOM in the middle of my session to go to the bathroom. In 2 years of weekly sessions she has NEVER done that. Before that, twice, she asked me to repeat something I had just said because she forgot. TWICE. She actually argued with me about whether I said something was Thurs morning or Thursday. I told her "I'm meeting ____ (a lawyer) on Thurs" and she said "What time?" and I said "five" and she said "In the morning?" And I was like..."nooo, 5pm." and she said "oh, you said it was thursday morning." And I said "no, pretty sure I didn't", and she said, "well anyway, it's 5pm? You're sure?" I mean. Really. Who meets a lawyer at 5am??

Anyway. That's one example. The part where she left the room was the most out of character I have seen her in a long time.

I'm just struggling with trying to take ownership of my part in whatever the dynamic was today, and not taking ALL THE BLAME because that's so easy for me. If there's a problem, especially with T, it must be my fault, because I'm the crazy person and she's not, you know?

I'm trying to be sort of objective and look at what went on, and realize that my T was probably just having an off day, and that it probably had nothing to do with me. Always a difficult concept for me.

So yeah. A lot of feelings. We finished trauma work today, I guess. She said we will talk next week about our "road map".

And that...maybe that's what's bugging me, deep down. I...don't want to not talk about it anymore. I don't LIKE talking about it, and often DREAD talking about it, but...now am I alone with it again? T is the only one I have ever, ever told the whole story to. I don't want to have her close that door and....just shut me in the dark with it again, I guess.

A lot of conflicting feelings. I called to try to talk about some of this with her this afternoon but my call went to her house, which isn't a private or confidential voice mail and I'm not comfortable leaving a message there. I have no idea who she lives with or who might listen to her messages.

So I sent her a text telling her that, and I guess I'm kind of waiting for her to call or text me back, but kind of not because I don't know what she's doing. I don't know why she had her calls sent to her house in the middle of the day, or if she's having phone problems again, or what.

stuck in limbo.