so, T called me back. I was in the middle of doing school work and she caught me off guard, so it took me a minute to figure out what I was going to say. I hate that.

I told her that I felt "not good, just bad" when I left today, and that I didn't feel any connection with her, and I wanted to make sure it wasn't because of something that I did or said.

She said she was going to "be real" with me, that she's done that in the past and it's been ok. I said, yeah, that's ok.

Turns out that yesterday was the anniversary of the death of someone close to her. She said "if I seemed distracted or distant or just not as present as usual, that's why. I don't have anything going on with you that would cause that."

I felt...honored, I guess? That she would tell me that. That she was willing to hear me say "what's up?" and that she didn't get defensive or deflect the question. She must trust me, too, at least a little.

I also felt relieved. I told her that I tried to think about it objectively, and that I couldn't think of any reason she would be angry with me, but I have a lot of self-doubt. We talked for a little while about where that comes from, for me (childhood. shocking.)

T said she is role modeling for me, and I really appreciate that. I want to be the kind of mom for my kids that my T is for me, emotionally. She also congratulated me for trusting my instincts, and said that I'm a very instinctual person.

I thanked her for being so honest and open with me, and I said I'm sorry to hear about that person's death, that I know that must have been hard for her.

I definitely, definitely felt connected to T by the end of the phone call.