I feel like I don't have the right to mourn his loss. I feel so bad, I don't even know if Jake is going to school, he's around my age, and with my SU attempt and my SI I know where depression can lead and I desperately want to keep him away from it .... I don;t even know if he'd want to talk to me in the first place, we havn't talked in years....

I just feel so pathetic, worrying about my stupid problems then i just want to cry but i feel so stupid wanting to cry and pathetic for being so selfish and uhhg its so confusing, i don't even want to beleive he's not here, i don't want him to be dead, not for myself, but for his kids...

I can't sleep, my mind is too confused, i feel incosolable. I feel lost