Okay..so..I've been really shy and embarrassed about talking about why I'm here, but that's not going to get me anywhere so..here goes..and I probably wont say all of it..if you think you can really help if I talk to you about it, private message me..

So..here's a link that I found defines this topic: http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Sexual-masochism.html

I more into the suffering/humiliation aspect of it and I hate it. It's so embarrassing to talk about, but I'm going to try. I have never done anything of the sort with someone else..I just have such an active imagination I've created an imaginary person who comes and goes and "forces" me into these things, because I don't get off if it's willing..just not the way it works for me. Sometimes, I think I might even enjoy rape, or something of the sort, but only to a sick degree. I know it would be very traumatizing..

This being said, the "events" that happen between me, forced on by this sick person in my head, have caused great distress, even though it brings great physical pleasure. I don't understand the need for it though and I really want the need for it to go away. Isn't sex enough of a physical satisfaction? The urges for this kind of thing occurs more often when I'm sexually active, too. This, I don't understand.

My boyfriend tried tying me up a couple times. It was some of the most intense pleasurable sex we've had, though admittedly, I would usually pretend he was someone who was forcing himself on me -rape- rather than it being my boyfriend, and after a few times of that, I had him stop.

Yes, I have tried coping with my enjoyment from being humiliated/made to suffer and the events (the events which have been going on since I was rather young - too young to even understand this sort of thing. I only knew it was fun and it felt good so, yeah..I didn't know much about sex and I had certainly never even thought about kissing a boy). My coping attempts have always failed, as have my long-term attempts to make the feelings/need go away all together.

At this point, I just really want the need for this to go away. I want the thoughts about it to go away, and I want that damn person in my head to go away. That's what I'm here for. I can no longer the distress (hence the user name), the internal arguments, and the break downs from these "event".

I just want help..I just want it to go away..I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.