I hate the holidays anymore. Mom isn't here anymore to make the wonderful dinners that she used to make. I am left to hold the candle in her memory. This year is the first year that I am making Thanksgiving dinner. It's my first at making anything for the holidays. I am using my mom's recipes and using the same menu my mom used, too. This is gonna be quite the year for me.

I'm really scared to even try to make anything because I'm afraid I will fail at making my mom's best recipes. I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. I just hope I do not mess up too badly, in all my grief. I miss her so much. I just wish she could be here to witness this. She could tell me everything I'm doing wrong or what else I need to do to make everything perfect. I really do need her guidance. And the only one that knows what I'm trying to do is mom, nobody else.

My dad's ex-girlfriend is gonna be there and is gonna ruin everything I have planned. It's supposed to be a year where I remember my mother, not have some woman cooking with me and ruining things. This is very special to me and I feel it is gonna be ruined because she does not use the same recipe that my mom did. That, to me, ruins it.

Nobody understands how important this thing is to me. It's not just another holiday dinner to me. It's in memory of someone very special. It's a memorial dinner to me. And everything must be perfect.