okay... so the past few weeks.... or months.... since august really.... have been really hard. the past few weeks more generally, though. so me and my boyfriend started arguing about a few things... mostly that we could never spend time together, and whenever me and him would have plans, and he couldn't go and do whatever it was we were gonna do, he'd go and make other plans... i feel detatched and not myself when i can't be with him, and it was at a time when i REALLY REALLY needed him... we almost broke up but we didn't... and i thought things were getting better.... but yesterday we went to a friend's party, and he wouldn't hang out with me... i couldn't help thinking that it must be all my fault... and that maybe he wants to dump me again... he came to talk to me because everyone was telling him how sad i was... and i started crying to him that i was still paranoid and insecure... and he practically yelled at me that i had nothing to be paranoid about... i didn't get upset at the tone he used tho, becuse of the content of what he said.... but i realized in the last few weeks that my first psychologists thought for me about being Borderling (personality disorder) though not correct at the time.... is correct now.... but i can't help how paranoid and insecure i am! and my boyfriend doesn't do much to reassure me. He knows of all these things and my problems... but when i asked him why he wouldn't hang out with me he said he didn't know... whenever i ask him anything he just doesn't know... a lot of times, i think he legitametely doesn't know, because he does have lots of trouble pinpointing his thoughts and feelings... but when i have nothing to go on... i automatically assume its all my fault. and he doesn't understand why i do this! i told him that i don't have anything to go on... that i can't make any other conclusion from what i've been given... we've agreed to try and make an effort to understand each other... but this is the first incident from when we agreed... and it didn't turn out all that well. The other reason he didn't want to hang out with me was because he wanted to hang out with 'his friend' even though, i was in the same room as all of his primary friends... and i asked him why i couldn't hang out with him WITH his friends... he just kinda shrugged. His friends are my friends, too... but he just didn't want to hang out with me, and i don't understand why... i am completely dependant on him... though i know that isn't healthy... i can't help it.... at the time when he was dependant on me, i truly made an effort to do what would make him happy... but he isn't doing the same for me... the rest of the guys who i was hanging out with... were kinda pissed of at him for it.... i just dont understand and i don't know what to do, because i feel like the more i ask, the more annoyed he is going to get at me for asking... i just don't understand... and i still think its all my fault... (i thought it was all my fault because i tried to get him to stay in the room with all of... well most of our primary group of friends... and he wouldn't, and he got annoyed at me for trying to push at it, because i didn't want to hang out downstairs with a few people that i am not completely comfortable with.)

i hope everything i said was followable... im not exactly sure how coherent i am at the moment. any response would be helpful.

~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist