I've always had issues with anxiety but only had 2 panic attacks over a 20 yr. span...That was until Sept...
I started having major panic attacks, sometimes twice a day...

During that time I started getting anxious about telling my T something I really needed to say...Anxious in couldn't wait...That particular day I got to her office I couldn't breathe because I was so hyper about telling her...

Nothing unusual happened in session, matter of fact we got along real well...I walked out of her office and felt very close to her...When I would think of her, I would smile...

We talked about the anxiety in that session and she asked with my next appt. was with my P-doc and my appt was 3 weeks away yet...She told me to make sure I told him about the panic attacks...

Now here is where things go REALLY bad...My T had to change my appt. from Tues. to Fri. because Hurricane Wilma came through on Mon. and she had no power...Sorry guys I'm getting the feeling I'm not making much sense but for time sake and length of post , I am just hitting the highlights of whats going on...I saw on the caller ID it was my T and I started freaking out, I had a major panic attack, couldn't breathe was gasping for air and just having a major meltdown...

I kept saying over and over I can't talk to her and started to cry...My roommate picked up the phone and handed it to me...I blurted out to my T that I couldn't talk to her that her calling was causing a major PA...

Ok fast forward...The day before my session I had major panic attacks about seeing my T...I wanted no part of her, I didn't want her anywhere near me on Fri...
Driving to session, I was a wreck...I pulled in her parking lot and I started gasping for air...I made it up the stairs to her office and sat down in the waiting room...

Sorry, I'm trying to make this short...She came to get me and the minute I saw her I started panicking all over again...I actually RAN to her office, sat as far away from her as I could and if she moved I would panick all over again...

I completely shut down with her and she told me it was ok to leave if I wanted...I didn't want to walk past her so I told her I would stay...Therapy ended and she stayed seated, I scurried past her and got to the door and she came up behind me and I went NUTS!...

I ran out the door and it's been like that every session since...In the meantime I"ve been put on Zoloft and Ativan which has stopped all the PA accept when I know I'm going to be seeing my T...They will start 2-3 days before my session...The minute I hear her voice or see her I can't breathe!...I feel like my chest is being crushed...

I told her in my last session, I don't trust her anymore...I said it with such anger and hate...She has given me gifts over 7 and a half years of therapy and I had them up on my bedroom walls...I took them all down and put them in a drawer where I can't see them...

All this time I have wanted her to terminate the sessions...I WANTED this...I've called her a @@@@@ in my mind and I've had thoughts of seeing her and telling her how much I hate her...

Now here's the other weird part...Friday (18th) I thought oh good I get to see my T this Tues. I'm looking forward to it...Felt calm about it and everything...The very next day I was right back to hating her, I was so anxious about seeing her this Tues. that I was totally freaking out and major PA's...

I am FULL of rage, its' not being shown verbally or physically but it's like I am throwing and screaming things in my mind at her...On the outside other then the PA's (which I keep hid from others then my T as much as possible) I appear and act normal...

I can't handle seeing her tomorrow...2 weeks ago I contacted this new T and she seems nice but the closer it gets to seeing her the more anxious I'm getting...So my question is, is it really my old T that is setting these attacks off or is it the emotions in therapy?...I am beginning to think I just need to quit therapy all together...I can't handle this...I'm really messed up when it comes to my old T...

I would rather walk acrossed nails then see her tomorrow...But I have to if I'm going to terminate...

Argggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg