hi googley

i didn't have a chance to read the replies you got, so sorry if i double up here. was just going to say that from my experience, it was better to just be upfront with them and say i didn't want to visit them (or have them visit). it's like if you make an excuse this time, then it will occur again down the track and you'll need another excuse and so forth. its a cycle that builds up hostility (on their end if you refuse or on your end if you have to go (which would be more than hostility, like major distress and stuff too)).

when i told them i didn't want to visit, there was huge pressure from them and other people. telling me to go, not understanding why i wouldn't. and no matter how hard people push, you do not need to tell them why. i would just say its not something i wanted to talk about at that time, or it was healthier for me to stay away and i never explained further than that.

there was lots of hurt and upset from my folks which brought huge guilt. but it is getting a bit easier the more often i do it. although it has taken several years of refusals to get to this stage. i had to keep reminding myself that i was not responsible for them feeling hurt. if anything, they brought this on themselves from their past behaviour. and if i was to go, it would hurt my self a huge amount, both because i have not protected my self and they did/said things that hurt. its up to me to decide what situations are healthy or unhealthy for me and then to take steps to avoid placing myself in the unhealthy situations.

whether you decide the healthiest option is to not go, to go but stay elsewhere, etc is up to you. just don't let them bully you into something you consider is an unhealthy option. be gentle with you.