scariest thing ever .... to allow yourself to be open with another person....yikes!!!

when I go to T, sometimes I can not say what I want to, and so I will write it somewhere and bring it with me (like a page from my journal) and I will give it to him to read after I have gone....
I cant bare the subject at times ....
I cant talk to him til after I have brought up the subject,
until I have opened it up,
and sometimes this is the only way for me to tell him what I am dealing with....
I gave him some papers the other day with my writings and I couldnt even look at him ......
hiding behind the pages before I handed them to him.
Fear of people, fear of their responses. Fear can hide on you, not alowing you to see that it is there.

Changing - this is the hardest thing to do! UGH!!!
People tell me -
"if you want your life to be different then change it"....huh?
The first time I heard this was about a year ago. Since then I think of it often, it still confuses me. But sometimes, now, I can see what they mean. Not that it makes change any easier, I just can now see that if I want something to be different, then it is up to me to make it different. it is a big struggle to change yourself and how you perceive things, people, issues you may be facing.
OK
I didnt intend on talking over your thread....I just wanted to show you we are similar....I understand what you are feeling....the urge to push away from T and anyone else maybe...
I hope that you stick with it...I think as time goes by you will come to trust your T and feel like you need her/him to help you figure these things out. Once you develope that bond with T, you will start to open up and share yourself and then you will be on your way... Oh yeah ... and writing ... writng and writing .... writing is a release....it is like homework but it is helpful to work things out and sometimes writing it down for yourself or for others is the best way to move forward ... cuz then your not stuck on the issue....you kinda let it out over and over .... til u feel better....and then you are able to share it ...