It's been awhile since I felt like this. guessing people trigger me, it's no wonder I Isolate myself. I'm shaking & my blood is boiling. all the memories just filled into one thought.I have to Thank you Yokus for giving me that anxiety attack I'v so longed for, Not! I thought I'd found a happy home where no one could juge me or bring out those feelings I bury deep inside.I wish I would disappear of the face of this earth. Can you Imagine walking around hearing the groans of your dying friend taking his last breaths. or better yet talking to someone and only seeing that night replay over and over of my friend dieing infront of me. right now I see spots everywhere, my body shaking and barely being able to breath. I can't stop crying and at this moment. I really wish I had my meds or something to calm me down. but at this moment I hate this place !!!!!
I hate Christmas {OR X`mas} whatever same *****.
I hate Christmas b/c I never had Christmas in my years of growing up.
I never had a tree or pretty ornaments
I never got to open up any presants under ANY tree.
I never had a grandfather or grandmother to spoil me.
I never had a Father to watch me grow up or watch Me open up presants
I lived in poverty my hole life with hand me downs & no food in the fridge
I had a single mother, who worked three jobs & was never home.
An older brother who took on a role as a father and robbed from his childhood years, treating me like a slave and bossing me around.
And a step father who sexually molested me any chance he got from the age of nine... These are most of the reasons I have prayed to God...
Prayed to take atleast 1/2 of the pain away. always feeling betrayed by GOD for everything that always went wrong in my life. now I don't know where to turn. I have no friends and my family doesn't understand my illness. I don't know why I'm even bothering to tell you all, I just feel so angry that someone trys to Rob me of the only person I now believe in.

Though I have fallen, I will rise.
though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light
...He will bring me out into the light; I will see his
righteousness........... Micah 7:8-9