I just realized that I don't know how it feels to be loved the right ways. With the abuse, (and that is sexual and emotional abuse) that I have either interpreted love in the wrong ways or I didn't let myself feel love in the right ways because I didn't feel I deserved to. Love to me equaled sex, being spoken to in sexual ways, or touched in sexual ways only. I cried and cried when I realized this. Its like I was grieving for that loss of not knowing love in the right ways for most of my life. I think, walls went up after when my dad was told about the abuse. Mom gave me the purest love I had ever known humanly that I can remember. But she's been gone so long, I don't remember what it had felt like so much. I mean, the hugs she gave, the way she expressed love for me. It was how it was supposed to be between a mother and daughter. But other than that, with men, I felt I only had one thing to offer them after the abuse. That is what love meant in my head. I think its even what I had based my marraige on too.

I guess now I need to learn how to get passed this and start letting myself learn how to feel love, the way its supposed to be in a normal way. How do I do this?? How do I let myself get passed what I thought love was for so much of my life?? UGH... when will all this figuring stuff out end...