Lex, Candy, Esther, and anybody else in this boat, I am so sorry you have to figure out how to deal with the aftermath of being so used. Sounds to me like y'all have repented and weren't doing these things when you were in control.... blame is a black hole. Toxic shame is a black hole with daggers.

I spent so much of my early life praying for other people, who had done me wrong, to be forgiven, ... when a councelor suggested I try forgiving myself for coming into such a hard life, I was shocked. It had never occurred to me that I could attemp to forgive myself. Hard hard hard, but possible.

It helped me to figure out something to do instead. Like when I was getting down and funky on my self and my past, to stop, and notice, then force myself to think of something good I've done or something good I can do, for somebody or something else, later. Even as small and simple as watering a plant, or as big as voluteering at a soup kitchen - or something.

The important thing is to find a way to stop trashing yourself in the moment. You can do it. I believe in you. Way best luck. I'm rooting for ya.