I don't have as much of a "racing" feeling through my body today, but have noticed a perk up in my energy even though I'm still not sleeping a full 8 hours in a night.

Last night I took some benedryl to help me get to sleep. It finally kicked in and I was still lying in bed with my mind racing until nearly 2am. (I went to "sleep" at 11:30) I had a lot of things on my mind but couldn't keep it on a single thought enough to really focus on it. I had a lot of thoughts about my moving, how that's going to be, and how nice it will be to be a lot closer to work.

Upon falling asleep finally I found very vivid dreams about what felt the most inane things. Going to the store, driving down a road to name a few. I woke up around 5am and struggled to get back to sleep, but after the forced air turning off I finally found myself nodding back into a slumber.

I had the worst nightmare there. *****Note: This dream was edited out because of the graphic content within. If you are interested in the ful version, it's posted on my Livejournal. Send me a message if you would like the address, as I don't know if the moderators here would appreciate a direct link to the thing that I am deleting from here. *****

The dream so real it was scary. Not my first nightmare like that, the fear of death so strong that I can taste it. Nightmare making itself feel so much like reality that I can't but think it had happened to me. It was 7am, I'm still waking up earlier than usual, which I find frustrating, but at least I got around 5 hours of sleep last night. It's getting longer, although today I didn't have that "pep" that I had mornings past. I was exhausted.

The shower I took was invigorating, for the first time in ages I felt like singing in the shower. A few songs popping into my head and mishmashing together. I find myself laughing at the idea. I can't wait to move to my new place, apparently the water heater is a bit larger or more effective than the one I am using currently. It's more than frustrating running out of warm water on a day that you really need a long hot shower.

Getting out of the shower and drying off, I open the bathroom door to let the cat in. As per usual he was making a fuss outside the door when I went in there to take a shower. I'd let him in the bathroom while I shower if I wasn't so afraid of the holy terror knocking everything off the counters. I'm beginning to think that Kelsey is right in assuming that poor cat isn't quite right in the head.

I left a bit early today so I could listen to the Thursday Music Challenge on The End. It's their tournament of champions and I had thought that they were going to finish it up today. Unfortunately they are doing it on Wednesday. If things keep going as usual I'll be up and able to listen to it anyway, so no worries. It's Emerson Robbins vs. Cisco the Master Gardener. It's provided me with quite a bit of amusement over the last couple weeks during their normal tournament. The rules were simple. One song, any artist, any genre, any year. Listeners call in and first one to 4 votes wins. I was pretty sad when "What a wonderful world" lost, however I had been singing along to it when it was playing and it had completely picked up my morning. I teared up and everything. I've been a bit overemotional lately, so that's probably the case. it still made my day, although it was almost two weeks ago.

I got to work an hour early today, I needed some time to unwind and just sit and think about things. After 30 minutes or so I go ahead and jump on the computer and start my daily grind. It's the longest two hours of my life, or at least it feels that way, but noon finally comes across to me. I realize that I'd been talking to some people online, their kind words doing wonders for how I feel currently. I even helped one of them figure out what they need in a laptop computer. I feel so useful now!

By now I'm starting to get that ephedra type feeling from taking my medicine, although I think it's not as bad as it was in the last couple days. I do notice that I'm a bit crabby, but I can attribute that to my less than stellar weekend and just general things that I'm stressed about. I make an E card for Kelsey to help spend the few minutes of downtime. Editing my wording in a text file then coming back to it to add a bit more here and there, I finally send it off. I wonder for a moment if it will make it through her junk mail filters.

The next few hours go by quickly, spending a bit of my time talking to Tegan and feeling sorry that she has to work on Black Friday. Wait... I have to work on Black Friday, but it's not retail so I don't really care. I'm just not looking forward to the traffic that day.

I have a good talk with Kelsey. I finally got to apologize for the weekend, although it still doesn't make things better. I sit here thinking about what an %#@&#! that her friend thinks that I am. I'm pretty sure it's a warranted thought this time. It was just bad timing with my mood swings that lead to a huge misunderstanding and it felt like all holy hell broke loose. I am sorry though. I just %#@&#! suck at caring for people. I still want another go at it though, maybe this time I'll be able to keep my eyes open on the whole ride.

I find myself later thinking about Thanksgiving. I wish I was still working it. I don't have anywhere to go to have Thanksgiving dinner. I'll probably end up watching tv and trying to not think about the day. Just consider it a day off since my normal two days off I'll be working. I find that I'm having trouble shrugging off the idea of Thanksgiving alone and my mind wanders on that thought to other holidays. Christmas alone is just a hard thought to deal with, but something that I need to come to terms before the season is really upon me. I don't think that I would do well thinking about it on the day that it happened and not be prepared for how I'm going to feel. It's still a month off, a bit more, but I do worry about it though. I don't do well alone, it's when my anxiety gets worst.

I took my lunch and bought the Six Feet Under: Everything Ends soundtrack. I haven't opened it yet, but after listening to some of the track samples from Amazon I think that I want to keep it. Listening to the sample of "Breathe Me" by Sia reminds me of hearing it on the way home from work one day. Thoughts of driving home on a night, full moon showering the land in shadows. My windows down and blasting the music I glide along the road on my way home. Truly enjoying the commute home I am at peace. My love of driving together with a perfect night doing wonders for my mind. Finding myself eyes closed thinking about that moment, I realize the sample has passed several minutes ago. Clicking on the next link, I hear the sample to Death Cab for Cutie's "Transatlanticism" and am greeted by soft lyrics, only to have me realize that I have the CD on my computer. A few clicks and I'm listening to the whole album while I work away here and there.

It's here that I find myself writing another entry, another novel of my experiences of the day. I'm noticing that I have quite a dry mouth lately, drinking around 2 litres of water, my mouth still feeling a bit funny. It's a side effect from the medication that I think I can deal with if it's going to help stem some of the thoughts going through my head, help me become the person that I know is hidden inside this body. I just need to stick through for a month or two, who knows what will happen during that time.