Regarding Christmas.....Hi, I have a lot of difficulty every year deciding what to do about my family: go for Christmas or not go...it seems when I do go see my family I always regret it. It takes me days of dissociation and being in bed and SI before i can get back to my regular" just getting by state".
Thanksgiving this year with my boyfriends family... it threw me for a "3 day loop" of SI all day long and dissociation (and they are fine people who encouraged me to come back for Christmas...)....I just felt so much guilt about not being with my family...like i was betraying them....so stupid!!!!!!!

I grew up in an emotionally/psychologically/physically abusive environment and now with my past abuse, genes, and biology I seem to have had to have the luck to be diagnosed with both bpd and major depressive disorder with psychotic features.
It probably seems like a no-brainer~like, "Why would she even consider going?" The reason I always struggle is b/c some extended family, a sibling, and my only nephews are there (no other neices or nephews) in family. It is our only family gathering. I know many people "buck up" and try to be flexible this time of year. Couldnt I do this or why am I incapable of this?
An abuser and my abusive parents would be there...they are no longer abusive in an obvious way/ well, it has always been more covert...psychological and emotional, distant and cold and I am very sensitive to their carefully chosen biting words and their silence and am often ignored....in addition they have plainly stated through their actions that they dislike my boyfriend of five years who is very protective of me. His family welcomes me with open arms and supports us in every manner possible.....he is bipolar, which my parents do not believe and think he is just lazy....anyway....His family is expecting him and I at Christmas and I feel like I am being torn in two.....My parents are aging and sometimes I doubt myself, like maybe they didnt do the things i think they did????? These thoughts make me feel out of control and crazy and then I start to want to hurt myself....cannot breathe or think....I know all of this sounds like drama....if anyone can relate please let me know....I would appreciate any help you can offer.......I do not know if it is safe at my family's...I do not think it is, for me anyway, others seem to fare fine.....I am not comfortable anywhere....but I know my tendency to isolate isnt healthy.......yet I am tempted to stay here at home with my bird, tree, and plants, alone....that seems like the only safe thing to do, but then I think maybe it is the worst idea of all?? Thanks for listening. Stacy