splitimage, i feel you are experiencing contradictory thoughts. you always have the option to drink. as i was told in AA "they'd gladly refund my misery" or another, "better you than me".. or another "go out for 30 days and come back to tell us how it went". now at first i thought, how very unkind of them. today i understand what they meant.
you mention letting other ppl down re your 6 month chip coming up. they call this a "selfish program" for a good reason...the only person you will hurt/let down is you. if they stay sober and you don't they are still "winners".
question-do you have a higher power in your life? i assume you do cause you did the 3rd step. do you think your higher power would want to see you drink? has the miracle occured in your life or not? that is the question. do you wish to take your will back, step 3, and run the show? i tell ppl if i drank again it would be like giving my HP the "bird". he has made a miracle out of me. i couldn't get it til i really understood how i was able to stop drinking. it wasn't my doing but my HP's. i was powerless, step 1, i had to let go and let his will for me be done, step 3. i had to get out of the "debating society" or i would surely drink.
i'm not busting you cause i'm glad you shared/posted. but i'm sharing with you how i got to where i am. the key is spirituality and total surrender. it's all or nothing. i believe you can do this. hang on...
i'm glad you are doing the things they suggest to us but we need to know and truly believe we are powerless, step 1. perhaps re-reading steps 1-3 will help. not telling you what to do but if i was your sponsor that would be my suggestion.