Life has been nuts. I need to share but I will try to be brief.

My daughter entered a residential treatment program last monday for OCD

I spent a lot of time fighting with insurance, speaking with Banking and insurance, Health care ombudsman....

I couldn't work because this was my full time job...

I was very angry at the way it all came to pass. It was un-necessary and cruel to me and to her.

(she is now safely tucked away in this program)

I could feel the stress physically tightening my body. I could not let the stress out, every muscle in my body grew more and more tight.

I was taking meds some for spasms.

By Friday I finally was stiff as a board and shaking. I could not relax my muscles at all and the pain was more then I could deal with.

I went to the E.R. and told them to just shoot me, I didn't care.

They treated me and released me to hubby's care.

The next day I was back at more pain. I called the on-call doc and got some stronger meds.

I noticed when the four hours was nearing, a lot of pain.

I called my doc yesterday to learn she is away and that there is one doc covering who does not know me. So far I have been unable to get more of the stronger meds and I am tightening up more.

Last Tuesday I called into work, everyone knew I was out Monday to admit daughter.

I have been out of work going on two weeks.

I am worried that they are going to be angry, upset with me. I have paperwork from OCT that they should have by now. I am just not functioning. (anyone try to remember their name while on flexerol?)

I got a call from a friend who I speak with everyday but this call was to say that a few clients had emergencies and needed me tocall them.

I felt dreadful, like I am letting people down, where is my backup coverage etc.

I called another friend who is involved with one sit and asked her to help them call their attorney. The message had come via her so I sent it back the same way.

I tried calling second client and caregiver with no success. I am not god, the complaint there was that client missing another doc appointment. She is end stage copd and I heard she is taking morphine and sleeping all of the time. The caregiver was worried as she is not eating or drinking. Morphine is what people with her problem take. She is very very ill. So I am wondering what is the big deal? Sounds like she is getting relief from the meds and nature is taking it's course. Can't reach anyone, I am not her doctor.

I am worried that my job is very upset with me.

Over the past 2 years I have missed a crap load of work.

I am really concerned about the way I left my files. I had been waiting for filing assist for three weeks and things are not together at all. What if people need to get info and it's not in file?

I don't want to speak with office, I am too nervous. When I called in this a.m. I just told super I would be in Monday. Thurs and fri are holidays. I apologized profusely.

I am getting more and more tight, I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow.

I just called doc's office again. I am afraid of that pain returning.

I feel like I am lying and being lazy. This is left from childhood, I know this but how do I talk back to it? Especially since my director has implied that she does not approve that I take narcotics.

I don't want work to be mad at me. It has happened a lot in the past year or so.

Help, Help, am I making this up? How do I get the better meds with no doc that knows me around? What am I supposed to do? How can I tell my muscles to knock it off? When I breathe deep I can feel the tightness and try to relax into the bed or chair. I am beginning to feel like a piece of wood again.

I am not catholic but I want to be absolved. I am not god and there should be people covering for me.

I am ill, or am I faking it cause I like those drugs?

I know, I am not making much sense.

Help.