Thanks to all of you. I am new to this site and could post on a variety of issues, but yesterday it was all about this. I cannot even believe how much it made a differnce to me. The middle of the night in a horrific situation and I was actually able to connect somehow. I couldn't change how I was feeling but I think validation is incredibly powerful.

I made it through the night and after the first few minutes back with her I felt like maybe it would all pass- at least my involvement. I still panic about people finding out, since I suspect it is all going to get much worse for her. She told me that after I left she threw up. But that it was all on her.

I highly suspect she had more to drink than what i gave her, and that this will only get worse. Very selfishly, I want time to pass so that when all of her issues surface, and she does maybe tell people, It will be vague about when it happened etc.. and only just a part of the pix. I don't know.
Geez, now that I write this I do panic again. I have been right in the middle of all of this and I am exhausted. I go back and forth trying to rationalize wat I did, yet I am also angry about the lack of empathy coming from other people. I feel helpless. I want to make it all better but I cant . It is hard to strike a balance between what I can and cant and should and shouldnt do.

I had a very uncomfortable conversation this morning with another family member. I know we all grieve differently, but I am sick and tired of feeling like there id something wrong with ME because I am overly concerned and vulnerable and in your face with raw emotion. No one is telling them that they shouldn't be who they are and not to appear so cold. The gist of the situation was " I am sick of you trying to process this aloud, sick of your emotions and talking about them. I cannot deal with you.. you talk too much, are way too sensitive, and I wish you would just shut up."

Right now I thinking that its time for emotions and empathy to be the preferred "normal" thing to be... Too often I feel like others are getting away with things and scapegoating because they can.. they pick on people who are vulnerable to begin with- people who are too sensitive to throw this all back at them, too sensitive to just let it go and not take it personally. In a family full of disfunction, it is the kinder souls with large hearts that end up being additional problems, when we are actually the most honest and giving ones. It happened for me before this- just last week as well. I keep letting people make me feel inferior because I am so sensitive.