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Dec 03, 2010, 11:04 PM
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Member Since: Dec 2010
Location: Over the Rainbow
Posts: 62
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Quote:
Originally Posted by googley
I don't know how to tell them I don't want to come. I have been trying to get a hold of a friend to see if I would have somewhere else to stay, but I can't seem to get a hold of him. Ugh. How do I tell them I don't want to come?
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Hi Googley,
I so feel for you. It's horrible to be placed in this kind of position. The "we'll pay for it" approach really puts you in a bind. It really backs you into a corner.
In my experience, emotionally abusive parents are not normal. You can't reason with them. Trying to talk to them about how you feel or "standing up for yourself" won't make any difference. It would take admitting that there's something seriously wrong with how they're behaving, and that would shatter any kind of stability they have about themselves. This includes your father.
You should not have to run around trying to set up a place to stay so that you can minimize the pain of spending time with them. Even a couple of dinners with them will hurt, I suspect. If it works out and you know you'll be able to spend most of your time with your friends then it might make sense. Any other situation, though, is liable to make the holidays miserable for you.
I should warn you that my point of view is very one-sided. I went no-contact with my family eight years ago and haven't looked back. It sounds like a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation. As courageous as it is to be up-front with abusive parents, again, we're not talking about normal people (in my experience!). These are people with serious psychological problems that have a distorted worldview. They just can't step outside of it to see someone else's, even if that someone else is their child!
It seems to me that unless you can set up a place to stay that's not at your parents' house and you know you can spend most of your time with your friends then the choice is really between being up-front about not wanting to go or making up an excuse (and when dealing with people with psychological problems, this isn't, in my opinion, a bad choice). Whichever you choose, you may find it helpful to employ a broken-record approach (taught to me by a former therapist). Whatever they say, you simply insist that you won't come because [whatever reason you've chosen]. However they try to lure you into an argument or "open discussion," you resist going into details; you won't because [whatever the reason is] and you don't want to get into it further. At some point, you'll hopefully be able to say you have to go, and seeing that they're getting no more out of you, they won't want to continue the conversation. Not guaranteeing anything, mind you, but it might help.
Stay strong and remember that you don't have to dance to anyone's tune except your own! 
Rainbow
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