I know that my depression has gotten somewhat worse with some days being significantly better than others. One thing that has been around lately (the last year or so maybe?) are thoughts of suicide. I have had times where i may have a fleeting thought but not since I was a teenager have I seriously considered the idea. Until recently. Starting a few weeks ago, that has been a constant thought. Not always with real intent but kind of a longing. In the last couple months there have been 3 times when I came very close but not really acted on those thoughts. At the moment, suicide seems very attractive. However, I am not really at risk of doing anything.

I have been laying out the pros and cons of such an action. The reasons not to considerably outnumber the reasons to go through with it. I have actually been actively monitoring the pro/con list because if at any time the margin narrows or I start finding new reasons to follow through or start moving the reasons not to over to the other side then i will need to do something different.

My therapist is somewhat aware of these thoughts though maybe not the full severity at times. I do a lot of writing and Last time I saw my therapist I shared some of the writing with her. I think I will continue to do that. Sometimes I have no voice so if she wants to know where my head has been, reading it works better.

I know I am depressed which can only be a good thing. I continue to monitor the way i am feeling. Not that it really helps me any but at least by making sure I pay close attention to it I am less likely to lose control or something like that.

I only wish there was some magic that could make it all go away