Liz, pain releases endorphins which improve your mood. It is very addictive, however, as you are noticing, so stop going down this road. The real road to feeling better is sorting things out in therapy and yes, at first therapy is hard but as you keep going you get the payoffs and the final payoff is that you have learned how to deal with your feelings so that you won't get these SI urges. Please continue to keep us posted on how you are doing?