I hate my body: I eat, throw up food. I deprive myself of calories. I feel fat and ugly because I wear a size 0, not a 00. I think about food every second of he day. The voice of hunger and self-doubt tortures me.

I hate my mind. It tells me to swallow pills and end things. It tells me that the pain will never get better and that my kids will be much better off without me! It is obsessed with researching suicide methods, looking at pictures of dead people, and reading about successful suicides.

I cannot rest. I have no peace. I have pain, pain, and more pain. Why on earth would anyone want to live in this body or mind?

If I go to the ER or hospital, I will be put on a psych floor. I have done this many times. I know what would happen. I would shut down (stop eating, refuse to get out of bed, refuse to speak, etc.). I have done this before. I have been given a feeding tube, given ECT, etc. After spending months in hospitals and in fancy residential treatment centers, I am still not better.

I hate this/these diseases. It's too much of a roller coaster ride. I want off.