It's very much like sinking in a pool of deep water.
The farther down you go, the harder it gets to breathe. And you didn't even notice that you had started going down until you looked up and saw the surface, so far above you. Then you think, "What's the point? It's already so far away." As you start to lose sight of the sky above you, you start wishing for death. An escape. Anything to stop the seemingly endless struggle.

I'm finding it hard to do anything but sit at the computer and recolor pokemon sprites, or click endlessly on the adoptables site i'm part of. Or talk to people on here. Because everything else takes too damn much energy.
My grades are starting to slip. Becuase if the assignment isn't an easy one, I can't be bothered. I'm not going to graduate probably, because I'm a senior and haven't even started the senior project yet. Which terrifies me to no end. But I just... can't be bothered to do anything about it. "I'm screwed anyway," I figure. "So why bother?"

My counselor called my mom and told her that I'm having depression and panic issues. She called one of the numbers the counselor gave her, and hasn't done anything since. It's like she doesn't care at all. Or she's ignoring it. Which is fine by me.
Becuase then she won't bother me about not eating hardly anything at all. She won't be on the lookout for self-inflicted injuries. Which I'll probably have more of by the end of the night.

And I'm certainly not going to bother her about it. Becuase I'm such a phoenominal liar that she never knew anything was wrong in the first place. So she won't see the severity of it. And I'm definately not talking to her, or anyone else, about the need to rip skin off of my arms. Or the plan I have for suicide.
Hell, my best friend irl is starting to be a trigger because she worries about me. And she doesn't know half of it. I'm not going to live with my mom after I've essentially told her to watch my every movement.

I've even realized that I'm the cause of all of it. I'm stupid, and lazy, and a horrible person. So I don't deserve help anyway. It's just karma doing its job. Trying to get rid of me, like it should.

I just don't know why I bother waking up in the morning, when I don't want to wake up at all. Why I bother to eat when I feel disgusting after I do. This life isn't worth living if I'm going to have to suffer through it.

I can't kill myself. It'd destroy my mom, and my cat and turtle would have nowhere to go.

But I can't keep living this way.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I know I'll be told to talk to my school counselor or my mom. Or a suicide hotline. Maybe I just need to get it out of my system.

Thanks for listening.
I hope that all of you are doing better than I am.