I'm so sorry you're poorly. Being physically ill makes us sooo much more vulnerable to everything that's going on emotionally. I do think it's so very normal to want T more when you're sick, since everyone needs more care and attention when they're ill. It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job of doing exactly what is needed in each moment- starting with getting yourself to the ER- which is what you think your T would tell you to do. I hope you can feel proud

Re the question of whether Ts know how much we think about them... I think it depends partly on whether they've been on the other side of a therapeutic relationship. My T has told me that she experienced very similar feelings in her own therapy as I have in my therapy with her, so I know that she probably does know how much I think about her. I do think that so much of the thoughts and feelings just come with the territory of being the 'client', so many Ts must have some idea of how intense it feels.

Sending you lots of get well wishes