Sorry to hear of the awful feelings you're experiencing, and that you were able to finally find some relief, but I can truly relate to them. Has your Therapist ever discussed the possibility of being affected by Borderline Personality Disorder? Because what you've said here, and in a post in the past really, really smacks of this. The flipflop of emotions from good person to bad person in the space of a day or less, being anxious about being near them, (Did you think she'd hit you?) Or was it just getting that shudder of revulsion sweeping over you that was the unpleasant part? You speak of shutting down, or shutting the therapist out, did you know this action by our minds is called splitting? It's like the person becomes an entity slightly above slime because of some perceived hurt. Probably what she said to you about the idealization. Hurt your feelings, which in our case, is understandable. The rage you have is also BPD trait. Have you ever had a temper tantrum? In your adult life I mean. I have. It's not pretty to see a middle aged woman throw stuff around like a child. Sigh........was embarrassing as well now that I know where it came from.
Check the topic in my siggy. Know where it comes from.