irishgirl4, I'm worried that you are in an abusive relationship. Clearly you need good care. If it's good that your husband will be gone for five days, because he is a trigger, OK, but I think you should get logistical help, if nothing else, with the kids. Even asking other mothers to help get them to and fro, maybe ordering dinners--like pizza--when you can...small things that would be such a relief.
When things have been very bad for me, when they are very bad for me, it is hard to love my children. But it is their love, after all, that has kept me alive so many times. It is hard to let myself remember how bad it was. Just horrible. But because I can remember that, I can say with certainty that this will ease for you. But I had to use every resource anyone threw at me, even if I didn't want to. Like you, I have a therapist who believes in me, and he helped me think of what I needed--I couldn't even figure that out--and he helped me accept needing help. We also have turned to the hospital for sanctuary when I needed it. It is very, very hard. I reached places I didn't want to come back from. But there is no doubt our children need us. Absolutely no doubt. As hard as it is to hear, there is no one else for them who will ever be their mother. In time, I returned to loving that there is no one else who will ever be their mother. I am their mother. They deserve to have a mother, no matter what.
I don't know if I've said anything to help you, but please keep posting here. We all care.