I don't even know who I can ask for help. I'm alone.

I don't want to divorce my husband. I love him. Perhaps if I ever get healthy he will treat me differently. However, when he is mean, it always makes me even more suicidal than I am now.

bpd-your words do help. You're so right-it's very hard to love the kids right now. I hate to admit this, but they are like flies, swarming all around me. I just want to swat them away (not literally). I cannot bathe them today, I can barely feed them, I definitely cannot interact with them.

My psychiatrist tried calling me this morning, but I didn't hear the phone ring because we had a Santa breakfast. He said that he would call tonight. I really won't hold my breath-he's horrible when it comes to calling. I just wish that I could express my pain better, so he would take me more seriously. He did tell my primary doc that the biggest challenge with me is "keeping me alive". Maybe he does get it; I don't know.