I guess I feel so hopeless because I don't have the "guts" to make real changes in my life. I do go to therapy appointments. I do see my psychiatrist. However, I am not strong enough to stand-up to my husband. I get scared when I read the posts about Bipolar med weight-gain. I don't think I have the guts to take medication if it makes me heavier. I guess I really would rather die than get better and be fat and lonely. I'm pathetic. The world has enough pathetic people in it; it really could use one less.

My kids are amazing. I am screwing them in any scenario. I live and am sick-they suffer. I die and am gone-they suffer. There is no winning situation here.

All I know is that I feel an abundance of pain. I don't know how else to describe it but the kind of pain that makes it hard to swallow. It's the kind of pain when you are about to see somebody you know for the first time laid out in a funeral home (I relate it to the pain that I felt when I saw my dad for the first time in his casket as a little girl).
I just want it to go away.

My doc never called me back. I am going to see my T tomorrow if I can manage to get myself to my appt.

Thanks again for caring everyone.