Hey

I'm sorry I'm so "not here" right now.

I went away this weekend, and although I expected it to be triggering, I was really prepared, and I did really well. I had sort of a cold head-to-toe fear as I pulled off of the interstate, but I said out loud to the person I was with "ugh, something bad happened to me here when I was little and I feel all scared" and just saying it out loud sort of helped, and it really didn't bother me for the rest of the time i was there.

But. Yesterday afternoon, at home, something really horribly triggering happened from completely, COMPLETELY out of the blue. I told T it's kind of like how after I had my first baby I intellectually was able to remember "that hurt" but until I had my second baby, I didn't remember exactly how it felt. Something happened that made me remember exactly how something felt. And. I'm just having a really really REALLY hard time with it. I feel like THE grossest, most disgusting, most BAD person in the world. Like, REALLY.

I did see T today and before I left we talked about how my job this week would be to keep the past and the present separated. And if it gets messy and confusing, I should call or e-mail. And I will, but it's not just the separation I'm having trouble with. I'm having trouble forgiving/understanding the child me.

I just want SO badly to basically always feel okay. I know life will have ups and downs, and that's fine...but I almost don't think I can STAND these out of the blue triggers anymore. I really can not stand it. I want it to stop SOOOOO badly, and it's frustrating that after all of this work in therapy, a trigger can come out of nowhere like this and affect me SO deeply.

So, I guess that's why I'm not here right now, and I'm sorry I can't be a good support I'll get through this and than I'll be able to post more.