OH my gosh (((((((((notablackbarbie, jbmomg, geez, purplefins))))))))

I am in tears. It is so huge to not be alone with this. So, so, so huge. I have so much confusion and anger and.... I don't even know. Just badness.

I sent this e-mail to T just now

YES, what you said in the message is exactly it. Exactly. MY BODY BETRAYED ME. The little body. The 8 year old body. The body yesterday. I could scream.

No wonder I hate my body so much. All of the eating disorder crap, all of the cutting, all of the alcohol, drugs, not letting myself sleep or rest...ALL of that makes so much sense. It makes more sense than anything, ever.

When I was angry in session today, I didn't know who or what I was angry at. I just felt angry. I felt angry at me, but I couldn't quite pinpoint why. Now I get it. I was mad at this stupid stupid stupid body.

Of COURSE I can't look in the mirror, you know? Of COURSE I have a really hard time taking care of myself.

Ugh. I feel like a-ha, and sick, and in pain, and sad all at once. And probably other things too.

I spent so many years saying I wanted to crawl out of my skin. And that's quieted down, but I still get that feeling. But even that makes sense.

My little body betrayed me and this body betrayed me. Ugh. I am SO angry.

What am I supposed to DO with this? Seriously? Seriously.

I hate not knowing if you will be able to respond. I used to know you would respond if I asked you to. I guess it doesn't matter. I will ask and you will do what you'll do. And it's okay.

I feel like my brain is going to explode. I'm not kidding. Everyone went to bed early - XXXX was drinking, XXXX is sick, XXXX was exhausted, and it was XXXX's bedtime, so here I am with just me. So not good.

Oh my gosh. I am so sad I am overwhelmed.