Hey There,

I am in my early twenties and am searching towards a deeper discovery of myself. There are many facets to me, much like any other person, but the therapy I have been going through has not helped me as much as I thought it would.

For as long as I remember, I have been on and off with immensely high feelings of anxiety. When I was very young, I would fear being left at school by my mother so I would cry. I would cry a lot. After a while I was able to function without the presence of her while I was at school (I was in first grade, so I don't know if that is linked to my issues in my grown life.)

As I grew older throughout grammar school, I was teased and picked on, but I confided in a few close friends until it seemed to subside when I joined the football team and started kickin ***! I felt accepted when I proved myself to be a great football player. Looking back on it, I do not remember if I even wanted to play, but it gave me relief from the other children.

There were a few girls that were my "girlfriends" through these times but my first girlfriend was stolen by one of my fellow "friends" and I remember being crushed. I know I cannot blame him because she went along with it too. I am not sure if this is important in why I feel this anxiety but I remember it hurting me very badly.

As I grew older, I began to gain much more confidence in my life. I got a hold on a lot of things except for the area of relationship.

In high schools I met a girl and we dated until my last year of college. This relationship was quite long. We grew apart because we were so young. To this day, I feel pain and have nightmares from this relationship. I was depressed and anxious while in the relationship, but when it ended I fell deeper and deeper into a hole.

My main problem is that I am having immense trouble attempting to start a relationship with someone. There are many women that I have spent time with, but I yearn to be more intimate with them. My mind does not allow it. It is very painful to have these thoughts and desires crushed by something I am not aware of. I do not know where to start.

I have started to separate myself from the rest of the world slowly as it is making my life much more comfortable. I feel lonely at times, but without these risks to take towards women and the challenges of life, I feel much less pain.

I do not know if this has to do with my age or if it has manifested its way into me after all of these years. If someone could offer any advice I will forever be grateful. I have trouble asking for help, but I am in dire need of it now.

Sincerely,

ChitownMisfit