Yeah, I have a therapist & a psychiatrist. I have known I am different from everyone else since childhood, but accepting the label of BPD has been an on & off thing for me.
I guess I just thought that if I had cancer, I would still be in pain, but at least the pain would have a purpose. It would have a foreseeable end. Possibly, that end would be put an end to the rest of my pain as well. \

I know it is bizarre, but it would have been a relief to hear the doctor say that the tests were positive for malignant cells. I actusally started crying when she said I didn't have it.

For once, I would have some "valid" reason to hurt. & I would have some hope that the pain would end in a reasonable amount of time. It might even be reasonable to expect the medical community to get on board with pain management in a way they can not seem to do now. (Yes, I understand why they can't, but that doesn't make dealing with it any easier.)

So, now, here I sit, with all this pain & all the issues that go along with it & no hope of it ending soon. The good thing is, I am not young, so it can't be that much longer.

So, I continue struggling along. I guess there is always a heart attack to hope for, right?

BTW, my therapist & my doc both know I want to die, but I am not suicidal.