I guess I am going on 3 months now of depression so bad that i have been unable to work or function. and each day is still a huge constant struggle to get through.

i'm still trying very hard. i am taking all my meds correctly. i try to get out, try to get small things accomplished at home. instead of being able to accomplish a little bit more each day, i've accomplished very little and have had to lower my goals every day so that i don't just get frustrated and give up.

i am still trying to get to the support groups. i hope to keep going regularly twice a week. most of the time the only thing keeping me going is looking forward to the next group. however that just makes me feel like i am treading water and not getting any better. i certainly don't want "barely surviving" this way to be the norm for the rest of my life.

each day the extreme emotional pain is with me all day long for as long as i am awake. the physical pain from my poor health just adds aggravation and sometimes keeps me from sleeping so that i am just ridden with both pains. and the growing realization that i have to deal with this on my own in terms of family or friends in the real world makes it harder and harder.

my next group is tuesday and i have a doc appt on thursday. the tuesday group is a new one that i have not attended yet but i hope i will like it enough to want to attend regularly.

i've also been crying a real lot lately. some good crying but some bad. "letting it out" doesn't always feel like a release here because it makes me wish so much more that i had someone here with me just to understand and love me.

--The world is what we make of it--
-- Dave
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