I used to love love love christmas. It didn't matter to me that I had no closeness with family. It didnt matter to me that I had no loved ones. I would decorate the inside of my home with 10 trees ( 3 feet to 7 feet tall). All with clear lights and either hand made ornaments or silk type flowers. And that was just the beginning. I tried my best to create my own warmth and love. I loved the holiday season.

But in recent years, things got much harder for me and christmas became too painful. I love and adore children. So I love the wonder of miracles that chidlren hopefully feel. But the holiday season has become a time when i no longer am facile at overriding the feeling of no family and loved ones. The aloneness I always feel is increased during this time. I used to cook delicious food. But my body can no longer tolerate that. So the holiday season has been a time of "survival mode" To just figure out a way to make it through another day. I used to love to give. But now I do not have the ability to do that, on many levels.

I do feel saddened that Christmas season is used by corporations to almost program good people into spending spending spending. I guess my heart just longs for the true meaning of christmas. Love. I am sorry this post is sad. Usually I refrain from posting very sad things at pc.