I wish this would all go away forever...ok here goes. I was just laying in bed, waiting for sleep to come and as I was caressing my bf's side I had a flashback...and there I was, 11 years old and watching tv. My step-father calls my name and I look back at him, only to realize that he is showing me his penis out of the side of his shorts...I hate that memory. I guess this was bound to happen since I've had a great couple of days...I hate these invasive memories, thoughts, and emotions. For the first time since my step-father molested me, I cried. I've cried many times before, but not over this.

All I wanted to do was to enjoy caressing the skin of the man I love so much...and then I remember something about a man I loved who betrayed me severely. I also remember my step-father bouncing me and my sister off the bed...pressing on our private parts each time we became airborn...

Why does this have to invade my mind when I have been so happy and free from these memories and tears for so long? It just came out of nowhere. And I can't talk to anyone about this. The people at partial would rather not bring up such issues, and I really have no one to talk to but you guys...so here it is.

Right now I do not have the desire to touch my bf because I do not want to remember...I can feel the hairs on his body and that repulses me so much right now because my step-father had hair on his body...I know it's not happening now but it feels so real inside of me...my emotions are running rampant right now.

Why did he hurt me so badly? What did I ever do to him? I didn't deserve this abuse...nobody does, so why did it happen? Is it true that men just get their kicks off of this. I've grown up thinking this because that's all men seem to want to do to me, and with me. My track record is centered around sexual abuse with men...they are so cruel to me. It's no wonder that I've turned to the arms of a woman many times...