I know I have some kind of anxiety related issues. Funny how it works though. Panic attacks are rare in the extreme, I am not given to reflexively jumping at loud noises, and I don't often have nightmares. I can be socially gregarious and concentrate well. However ... in the presence of certain triggers, often related to insecurity about social effectiveness or meeting personal challenges, I can slip into a cycle of pessimistic, anxious thinking, followed by poor performance, then lowered self-esteem and confidence, which sets me up for more stress. In these states I often self-soothe by engaging in excessive passive pursuits (TV, music, video games, etc.) that of course calm me down very well, but later lead to disappointment as I have then procrastinated and accomplished nothing whatsoever. I then mentally beat myself up for having fallen into the same old cycle yet again!

Eventually these cycles settle down ... if I manage to chalk up a few personal victories, I begin to act completely differently and can get out of the depressed, anxious mood within hours or days. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, but I am honestly not sure about that ... I can clearly see my depressive symptoms are highly reactive to events, and meds have not been very helpful. I am acutely sensitive to social performance and apparent threats and opportunities. My new T seems to suspect Generalized Anxiety Disorder due to my frequent illogical worrying, and I see obvious signs of Social Phobia very clearly.

I have been applying Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, practicing being aware of automatic negative thoughts, and taking a mild anti-anxiety med (Buspirone) and these slowly appear to be helping. I'm a bit leery of the med though ... I'd swear it's making me feel excessively passive ALL the time, even at a minimal dose. Could it be I have forgotten what "calm" actually feels like!? I am not sure how to proceed with this. It's like an optimal level of helpful arousal is difficult for me to pin down ... I am either relaxed, but passive and bored, or well motivated but soon get stressed out. I think this is 50% biology and 50% learned behavior. Can anyone else relate to this?