Thanks for the replies. I did stop drinking for like eight days because I was back at home. I felt like drinking heavily one time, but the rest of the time it wasn't bad. The bad part is I'm back at my work city *I work in a city five hours away from my home*. Because no one was around, I drank last night and the night before, thinking AGAIN for the fifty millionth time that I wouldn't feel bad the next EVENING to go to work. WRONG... I had racing heart and felt miserable and worthless. So I didn't go to work tonight or last night.
I can't lose my job, I have debts that even if I made $100,000 a year, I feel I would never pay them off. I think that's why I have such a death wish and very often want to give up. Today I went to the store to get some things like shampoo, TP etc...and very easily my eyes started to tear up, like I'm dying inside. My partner doesn't want to talk to me because he doesn't understand how I can ruin our lives like this. I am not drinking now because of a last ditch effort to go to work tomorrow. I feel so dead inside except I still have tremendous pain.

I know for sure drinking exacerbates my depression/anxiety but I feel worthless even when I don't drink.

Z