Wow, I could have written that post- except you were much more articulate than I would have been. For years I have been in and out of therapy, off and on meds. Currently one that is helping me with the emotional deregulation is Lamictyl. My emotions are not as extreme and my funks not as long lasting.

I just want to make a couple of comments on what I have realized.

-I use to judge everything about myself according to what I think I SHOULD be like, what I Should be doing. What's wrong with me? I don't have many friends, I hate to go out in public, I am uncomfortable in so many situations. But, so what? Who says I need to have and do these things? We need to just do what works for US, and be okay with it. Sure, there are some things you can't avoid, but you can learn the best way to do it. I go to a grocery store quickly and sometimes in another town. I go out when I am in the right mood and state of mind. I never try to make decisions late in the day when I get tired and more stressed. You try to make choices that work for you, then do you best, and let it go if you are not successful.

-Part of all of this is making the right choices in the people you surround yourself with, especially the ones you have a choice with. I use to talk to my sister a lot, and now I rarely do. Everytime I got off the phone, I would feel bad, vulnerable, and sad. So now I don't set myself up. I'm trying to either be with people I like, or am comfortable with. When I have to deal with the other ones, I limit the time and situation. And when it all goes bad, I try to not get stuck in it.

-I have major issues with impulsivity, and this has often contributed to my trouble in relationships and interactions. Again, avoiding certain situations and people can help. But I am also trying to self talk my way through things.. Take deep breaths, just STOP talking for a minute. It is about training yourself to do simple things to change the course of what is happening. Maybe you can walk away, or say you'll get back to someone, or need a break. Now, when I write an email, I NEVER send it right away. I save it until later, or the next day, and reread it. Same thing with the phone. I just don't answer calls from my mother if I am not feeling up to it.

- I am the queen of hypersensitivity and can break down in a second at a comment or look from someone. Again , some of what I said above helps that. When I look back on some of those really bad times where I just fell apart, it doesn't seem as bad now as when it happened. I think when you are sensitive like that, you build things up in your heart and mind. In truth, probably other people don't even see things the way you did. When it's over, it is long gone for them while it sits in our minds- the regret or embarrassment or whatever. Cry it out or whatever you need to do, but then move on.

-The thing is, I think even though we KNOW that everyone is different, we tend to expect that other people notice the same things, that their perceptions of a situation are the same as ours. They are not. I am always projecting what I believing people are thinking about me, and it's always negative. So many times in a panic attack or whatever, my husband has pointed out that I make it worse before it even gets started. I try to presume I know the outcome- I have labeled people and figured out what they are thinking and everything!

-I have always gone out into the world feeling like I am the only one who feels like me- that EVERYONE else I run into has it together. Oh my goodness, that just isn't true. It helps getting older to see this. If you really think about it, and stopped 10 people in the store and asked them, any kind of honestly would show you that everyone has their sh--, it just looks and smells different for them. Yours is not better or worse. Well, yeah, maybe it is.. but you know..

-Recently I have been put through the emotionally thin skinned test bigtime, and this is probably the most important thing I wanted to say. We had a tragic death in the family- a suicide last week. Wow. I have never seen such a range of emotions from people about death and guilt and how people deal with all, especially how people are dealing with each other in all of this. For me, it is all right on the surface, their is no bottom to my empathy and emotions right now. But that is all appropriate; it's who I am and it has actually been helpful to others that I am like this- very giving and supportive.
There have been a few family members who have been quite restrained in their emotions, to the point where it has really pissed me off. But just as what I am feeling is ok for me, I need to see that that is who they are, and I cannot and should not tell them what to feel and how to cope. Even though it's hard not to.

I think the hardest part about this is: Because the emotional people like me are right out there in people's faces with their feelings- they become easy "targets'. You are made to feel like you are overreacting, overemotional basket cases sometimes. But you know what? Why is this the WRONG way to be? It's not!! Maybe THEIR way is not the best response. Or maybe there IS no right or wrong way. Someone got me crying so hard the other day and my first impulse was to say what is wrong with me, they don't like me, I am a loser etc... I had to step back and say they probably were uncomfortable with someone expressing feelings that they can't. Seriously, and I mean this., if given the choice, would you rather be insensitive and cold? I wouldn't it. In fact, my sensitivity is one of my strongest traits. I just need to understand it more, because it is my best friend and worst enemy at the same time. The days when I can accept it and even celebrate it are so much more productive and peaceful.

- When I find ways to use my sensitivity as a strength, a good part of my personality, it makes me feel better, because I am being myself and seeing how good that can be . And sometimes I can tell that this quality is helping someone else. We need to channel our strengths. The things that you say feel so natural are real to you and complicated and took a long time to get that way. Some of them, the ones that work for you, you just need to accept as okay, and the others, well, you need to learn how to separate those out, make decisions that will help you not make them worse, and learn ways to replace the negativity.

In my opinion , this learning to love oneself happens in small doses as you deal with things through talk, trial and error, self forgiveness, baby steps, distraction etcc AHHHH! I am rambling ridiculously!

Ok, almost done. A conversation like this must include this: feeling healthy in your body means everything to mental health. I am working on this myself. Eat better, exercise more. Be kind to yourself, and allow yourself to just get out of your head and heart with distractions. It's okay to stop thinking and feeling so much and so often.
- I am sorry if I am rambling.. I think I got off on tangents to help myself feel better about my life right now. I think