I'm not feeling good and I really need some support. I don't know which sub-forum is best to post in because I'm feeling a mess of emotions all at once, to the point where I don't know what I feel.

I had therapy, we talked about a subject that causes me anxiety. I've been very anxious about this issue for a long time. My therapist cares a lot and tried to allow me to calm down before I left but it was horrid because I didn't want to stay in the room and be an inconvenience (due my time was up etc) but leaving was scary because I had to pass reception and i just wanted to hide. I was trapped.

I went outside and round the corner of the building. I stood there in the cold shaking hard with anxiety and coldness. Then I pushed my hands into the snow and held them there until sharp pains went up my arms. I was scared because I knew I had to get out of the therapy car park but I couldn't focus to drive. I made myself go to the car and tried counting up to a hundred over and over again but the pain in my hands reduced and I stopped being able to focus. I had to get out of my car and pick up more snow and I held it until it melted. It was painful. And it helped me focus and count. I got back in my car and counted and counted because it was safe and I needed to.

Then I drove home. I really should not have driven because I was not in control of my car at all because I couldn't focus. But I was too scared to stay longer in the car park because I know you are not suppose to. I tried to pull over but there was ice everywhere and people needing to get past and it was too hard. I need to find somewhere to hide after therapy...i can't do that again.

I'm still not coping well. I am in a very anxious and self-destructive mood. I have hidden in my room and tried to find a way to stop the fear but nothing has worked yet. I have a song on repeat loud into my headphones to protect me from the rest of the sounds.....yesterday I hit my head badly because a flatmate was talking too loudly in the other room and I was just too weak to cope better....sorry i know how pathetic that sounds. I can't cope with other noises tonight, i need safety. I like repetition....the song is safe, counting is safe.

I am so scared tonight. I would really appreciate some support. I am afraid about tomorrow. I don't want to cut myself to cope but I am unsure how much pain medication can effect driving reaction times. That is one thing i am always acutely aware of, driving a car is a dangerous weapon and I don't want to do harm. I need a way to stay safe but numb entirely.

I apologise for this. It is my scared mind talking.