On Monday, my T gave me the option of hospitalization or IOP. I went today. I had a panic attack the second I arrived. I tried to leave. They got my treatment team together, sat me down, and basically told me that it was either this program or off to the hospital.

I shut down when I was there. I do not want to participate in groups. When I was asked questions, I said nothing. I literally sat with my head in my hands the whole time.

The pdoc in the program thinks that I am Bipolar I. She prescribed Lamictal, Klonopin, and Sonata. She wants to take the Lamictal slowly. She said that I was "in a very serious condition", but that the hospital offers no therapy, and I wouldn't be better off when I came out. Also, she said that the one hospital that my insurance covers is not a good fit for me. She said that it is full of people with drug/alcohol issues. I hated that hospital and did not feel safe there, but I don't feel safe here either.

I just don't want to go back. I cannot deal with groups. I hate the damn groups.

A huge part of me wants to go into the hospital so that I can completely shut-down (sleep, not eat, not move). I cannot do that at home with the kids. A huge part of me wants to down the assorted meds that I have collected so that I am done with this crap forever.

I have cried more today than I have in a long, long, time.