Hi, I started to reply then ran away because my situation turned out differently to what seems to be on your shoulders now. I came back to reply because no matter the result, the tools I was given still apply. The other replies urge counselling, and I emphatically agree! It is really difficult in Rural Aust. to get access to this help but I am so glad we did. The help we found allowed us to talk to each other, honour each other, understand our resentments and residual damage from our co-dependent life together. Bearing in mind that we were trying to manage mutual grief at our impending divorce, we were somehow freed to speak properly to each other, even to the point of discussing logistics; kids, finances, property settlement, how to communicate in the future, how to handle the inevitable contact at our kids future weddings etc. Once the divorce was "written as a fact" the need for blame and resentment disappeared as if by magic!
We learned that grief is cumulative and manages to remain intact and virulent if buried; much like a quiet cancer.My wife did not cause my grief or my resentment; she had no intent at all to cause this pain, and nor did I. We each manufactured our own pain and logical cause to give some reality to the intangible, shattering agony we were suffering.
The reasons, the ego, the justification became meaningless in the face of the fracture of our love together. It became simply our mistakes, misjudgement, personal fear and pattern behaviour that could now be tossed out as events leading to this decision point in our lives.
We found ourselves emotionally naked and serene; able to give gifts of recognition and thanks to each other for the life we had shared, with good intent and compassion. At this point we were free to part without hatred, regret and condemnation.
The "good parts" of a partner have as much to do with your own attitude as the "bad parts" have to do with them. In our own heads and hearts we are much better and much worse than our partners will ever see.
This has been the most profound experience of my life; it carries more weight than anything. Be kind to yourself, be compassionate but be stong; if anger is valid... then you will be angry for a while. Remember that unexpressed grief will lurk in the shadows. The sunrise is just as beautiful as it has always been and continues still.