((((Onward))))

I can see what you are saying in your post and many things I could touch. I know for myself and many here that black and white thinking has always been. For so long I did not even realize that there was any other way to see things. I never knew that there was any in-between grey areas to consider and even now I have trouble and fears surrounding that grey area of thinking.

When someone says something I am afraid to question it or to not do what it is they say. So many times I feel I am run over by others because of my fears thinking that if I do not do what they think or say then I am not doing it right. My fears of disappointing or not caring about them steps in and I cannot say what it is I feel for fear of getting in trouble or not being right.

My heart is always trying to please and to do the right thing even when that means that I am the miserable one. I think that stems from growing up and always trying to please to somehow keep the peace, but actually it never did because there was always something wrong with what I did whether it was perfect or not.

Mistakes were not possible as a child or else there were consequences to answer to and so I would try to be perfect. Even though no one is perfect trying to be that way became just a way of life for me. Now trying to be perfect is something that gets in the way of being who I want to be. Always making sure things are done just a certain way and by a certain time.

I find that I still try to please everyone so that no one gets hurt. Somehow feeling that if I do this then no one will feel bad or get mad. But it is not helping myself and it makes things feel so out of control. I really never had control growing up but the opposite effect had a price to pay and one that I did not want to pay.

For so long I walked on eggshells around people afraid to breath wrong that it would upset them. Trying hard to just keep the peace and not rock the boat. So to do that I did whatever I could to keep everyone happy whether I was happy or not. Never asked for anything for I knew that I was to need nothing or want nothing and I felt that no one would care anyways.

Even today I have trouble finding that place where it is okay to say "No" or to have an opinion without feeling that it is wrong or that someone will make fun of what I think because it is not right. But who decides that what I think is wrong or right? And is it okay to say "No"?

Guilt plays on me as it always has. Always feeling guilty for having thoughts that are not what others think to the point that I will just hold it inside and take it out on myself. For so long feeling guilty and feeling that if I do not do what others want then I am bad or not grateful enough. So many times being guilted as a child into doing things that I lost that sense of my own thoughts if I ever even really had any or at least none known to myself at the time.

So many times I get afraid to look back at a post I make afraid that I will be ridiculed for my feelings or not be able to answer. I get afraid because for so long I did not ever have my own feelings for it was not okay to have feelings unless they were what everyone else wanted.

If I did not want to do something or feel someway, then being made to feel like I did not care or was not right. It pulled me inside and to where even if I thought something I would not say it. Fearing that my thoughts were not good enough or I was just too dumb to be involved in any conversation with anyone. Always afraid and staying one step ahead of what was expected to make sure not to do the wrong thing.

I do hear you Onward and I am not sure if I have said anything here that makes sense. Seems lately I have been questioning everything I write and think as though it is coming out wrong. I do know that here we except you for who you are and there are no judgements or expectations. Now do I feel that for myself----not sure as many times I think my patterns of where and what I grew up with scream louder than what I am trying to accept and find.

I do thank you for posting. I do hear you and think I understand what you are saying. I do hope you will keep sharing and know that you are being heard. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps