Op thank you for your post.
This is me in a nutshell. It is really tough. today I can't even do anything for myself except read and post on here. If I can do this surely i can do other things for myself but I have zero motivation. I feel down. My wife called me a loser the other day. I want to rage at her, but I also want o go and use to hurt her. Instead I think I take it out on her by getting depressed. Depression is anger turned inwards, some say. I am so angry at myself for my fear and inability to act on an idea and follow through. I am just rambling now, but I really really appreciate your post.