I actually slept pretty well last night without any sleep aid... and although I slept in I still got out of bed at a reasonable morning hour.

I planned a nice breakfast of some scrambled eggs with cream cheese and a grilled cheese sandwich... but I got sort of "hooked" watching a marathon of the "Avatar" cartoon on Nickelodeon, so I didn't head to the kitchen to eat until about 1 or 2 o'clock. This really isn't unusual for me... it often is my general "routine" for the weekend and when I was short on food I would do it regularly.

So I go down and even finish up my dishes before I start cooking... I have been keeping up with that and I'm proud of it... and when I start mixing the eggs I start to feel a little lightheaded. I figure I'm just hungry and I'll feel better after eating. But it persists and, thankfully, I decide not to push it, so I grab a glass of milk and sit down in my living room. After a few minutes I stood up slowly, went to the kitchen to shut off all the burners, put the eggs in the fridge (they weren't in the pan yet) and went upstairs and ate a donut and another glass of milk. Then I slept for awhile (I really wanted to stay out of bed today) and later in the evening I went down and finished making my scrambled eggs (decided to have chili with them instead of grilled cheese )

So it is not a big deal. I think I might have fainted if I kept going but I feel good about making the right decision to stop.

But it triggered a concern about my health, wondering why this happened and if anything else might hinder me.

I am really really doing well with my depression, with keeping my house clean, and especially with work. I don't want to jeapordize that by not taking care of myself. As a result of cutting down on food spending I think I am also eating a healthier diet than I used to.

But I'm wondering if my spell today had anything to do with keeping my house so cold (I'm still keeping my heat off until I straighten out with the oil company, I still owe them last year's bill and I've been summoned to court over it).

My upstairs is warm during the day, and I'm very comfortable at night, and I've been heating my bathroom with a space heater before showering so I don't get a chill. But the kitchen is very cold, and I'm wondering if the ubrupt change of temperature had to do with it. (It didn't happen right when I went downstairs, but maybe the change weakened my system or something?) It also got me worried about other things. I don't want to get sick. I'm going to ride my scooter to work in the cold as much as I can... I do bundle myself up very well and so far I haven't had a chill but I don't want to push myself too hard.

It is also going to be hard to schedule doctor appointments due to cash and moreso due to lack of transportation. I really do need to find some sort of car but that conflicts with my need to pay for heat.

The one thing I am still not doing well at is phone calls. I've still been putting them off. Calling to start setting up a plan for my credit card debt. Calling the oil company to tell them I intend to pay them. Calling for doctor appointments. Calling to find a new T and pdoc now that I am out of partial. I'll need to contact a pdoc and my regular doc to keep my prescriptions refilled.

The upshot of this is that I am worried about putting myself in denial about these problems. I seriously think that my relapse is because a large part of my recovery over the past year has been due to denial. I couldn't worry about things for fear of getting depressed again but instead I went too far the other way and ignored them. As a result I got my car reposessed, my electricity and phone disconnected, and summoned to court.

I don't want to be in denial about living with no heat until I end up really sick because of it. But I still find myself stagnant (with plenty of reasonable excuses to myself) with regard to taking care of this in a responsible manner.

I'm doing really well right now and I don't want to jeapordize that.