I too was going to say that people are't going to see something different in the way you look, no signs, no stamp on your forehead, nothing like that as Susan says. It is not the horrible you are making it out to be either. Yes, it 'feels' horrible because of how we beat ourselves up, but it's not your fault you have this disorder, beleive me it's not. And we (as I did) want to blame others for it, like our parents, but they were just as victimized by their parents, so we could feel sympathetic for them actually.

No one is saying now that you know what is affecting you that you have to suddenly change how you live. Take me for example, I have known about my BPD for 7-8 months and I have managed to change some little things that have made differences in how comfortable I am in public and with co-workers. Example, in past years I have never, ever eaten meals with the co-workers, because I felt 'funny' doing so. Last week we had our Turkey Day luncheon and I choose to stay in the room with the other ladies. As I sat and ate, I realized this was the first time I had done this on my own. So I probbed a bit to see 'how I was feeling as a result of this action' , (you know how we love to self-analyze. LOL!) and discovered I felt pretty good about the whole thing. That hey, it wasn't that bad after all. LOL! Hehehe, silly me.

Tiger, the only thing that should be asked of yourself at this time, is to be kinder to yourself. Though it can help to be aware of which part of you becomes crazy when your guard is down, by monitoring the thoughts and ideas that pop into your head suddenly. Write them down, count to ten a few times to give yourself time to see whether it's a valid thought from the Adult you or one that comes from the Child or Parent within. I started writing stuff down the minute I found out because I knew it would help by getting it out before I did something about what I found in my thoughts. As well I can go back through the pages and read how 'bad' I was then, and come up with ideas on how to change something to stop the repeats.

You know I'm married, and I gave my hubby so much grief I'm amazed he stayed so long, so I know what the making their life a living hell is all about with the 'love/hate' part. I was so needy I couldn't leave, and he tends to attract needy people so he found it difficult to leave me. I think he had the same love/hate thing going for me as well at the same time.

I think it would help if you had a person you could talk with about the BPD issues, is that in the works?

If it's going to be a while, this site is a good place to get stuff off your chest.