dear (((wearethechampions))),

actually, i am very impressed that you are able to back off enough to see what direction you need to go in, such as slowing down etc. amazing.

i am only starting on my journey of healing. it is very painful. i've dealt with meltdowns for many years but never knew that it was a reaction to the hell i wanted to never face again. it wasn't time to face things within. so i kept them hidden way deep, thus the mini-explosions when things would try to come out. but now it's time to heal and am learning so much here at PC and my new pdoc about how to do that. so now i allow the tears, they wash away the pain. i allow the fear, for on the other side is peace. i allow the memories, but very slowly and very cautiously, for on the other side is healing. and i want that more than anything. the abusers will NOT win.

one thing that i think is that a child's brain is not fully formed and only knows how to react and so the pain gets internalized in the learning process of life and the fear too. then as an adult when we start to look at things, the child's mind with all the fear and the memories of the abuse take hold and are too strong sometimes to deal with, even with the adult mind that knows that the abuse is over now. and a child has virtually no defenses and is unable to fight back. i believe this also causes the adult to still be afraid of the abusers, even tho the adult body is grown, strong and able to fight back.

im working with a wonderful pdoc now who is also an abuse survivor and she stresses the deep breathing, relaxation to stop the muscles from tensing up tight as a drum, and to help calm the fear, and to try (if it is d.i.d.) to allow those within to be heard and so ultimately become as one. this may not apply, it is just my own words i am speaking. and it takes time. you are so wise to go slowly. i hear you and understand.

please be gentle with yourself and know you are a wonderful person who didn't deserve this to happen to you. and your words say how very brave you are. thank you so much for sharing. you are not alone anymore.