Madisgram - thank you for your post.

I'm very sorry about your friend - addiction is such an evil beast, but it reminded me that it could so easily be me, so thank you.

I struggled with "powerlessness" for a long time, part of it was my reliance on self was so ingrained as a defence mechanism from an early age, and part of it was denial. It wasn't until my friend gave me a book with a series of questions around my drinking that I saw in the cold clear light how powereless I became once I start drinking and how much alcohol had cost me.

Today I am much more accepting of powerlessness, not just towards alcohol, but towards life and other people in general. All I can control is myself, my decisions, my actions and reactions - everything else is beyond my control. And this was a hard conclusion for a long time control freak to reach. Yet once I accepted it, (although I'm a long way from being 100% perfect) I found my life got much simpler. It really helped me to remember this during my job search. I could control my resume, I could control how I dressed for interviews, I could control how much I researched a company & how well prepared I was. But I couldn't control whether or not I got the interview, whether or not they liked me, or whether or not I got the job. I just had to give everything 100% my best shot & hope and pray for the best. And it eventually paid off.

With my addiction, I still feel occassionally like taking my will back - then I call my sponsor, go to a meeting, or reread my step 1, and remember how much better my life is now that I've given up trying to control everything but myself.

I'm still learning lots, and hope that I never stop. But it is a relief to know that I'm only powerless over alcohol if I choose to pick up that first drink.

--splitimage