Sorry I have not been giving much support the past week.
Today was very hard for me and I was lower than I have been in a very long time. My chest has been hurting all day with anxiety attacks.
I went off on an innocent person I work with and had to appologize -- but now if he tells on me, I get fired. He was trying to tell me stuff based on his religion to help me out. It makes me think if he tells that it will be the final staw in how I feel about that type of thing.

I wrote my T several emails. It is his only day off after a very hard work doing his intenesive stuff. He did take time to send me a link but no word. It was the link the the tenth step of the 12 step process.
I have not been through the other steps though. But the last time we had session, my anger alter had some issues about all of that.

Ended up having a dream about T last night but I was trying to see him with him surrounded by people having dinner and laughing and I only had 10 min to talk to him. I was yelling at people to shut up so I could talk with him but then time was up. So then I decided that Mr. Maddoff had a brilliant way of exiting and I was looking for the same thing he used! UGGGGG!!!! It is sticking in my head now all day and with me being major depressed and T not being able to really be there today (he is always there the rest of the time and I am mad at myself for needing him when I know he is needing to rest)...

And to top it all off we have too much snow and that is a massive trigger for me because I had my breakdown when it snowed me in and I couldnt make it to work and I had to work out of the house. And my boss this week is making us work from home Thursday anyway for stupid renovation work in the room where I work!!!! And my S/O called me a coward because of the stupid holiday party and missing and stuff around that!
And now I doubt I can get to see T Monday for the session I am supposed to go to - I haven't seen him since last Monday as it is.

I just have had enough all at once. I have no idea why I think T can help me at all at this point.
If you read all this, thanks for just listening. I am trying all my coping things I can do without doing the bad choices.