I had an ok Thanksgiving...it was ok because the loss of my family in the last year and a half has rattled the whole family, but all in all it was ok. The positive loving feeling is gone that the holidays used to bring, but I guess that's normal with several losses like I have had.

Anyways, I'm generally doing ok, just fretting about how I'm gonna heal when I can't even get any help from the counselors I see. I have three main issues that seem to bombard me constantly: grief issues, sexual abuse issues, and relationship issues. Right now the relationship issues are taking a back seat to the others, thank the goddess. I've recently been bombarded by flashbacks of sexual abuse and the constant reminder that the holidays bring of the loss of my family. I feel so lost and alone now without them.

You see, I need help grieving and coping but I have nowhere to go to get the help I need. At the partial program I'm in all they want to talk about is whatever the counselor suggests, which isn't ever anything serious or anything I can relate to. If you bring up anything too serious you are frowned upon. I am afraid that I will receive no help there. So how do I go about getting the help I need before I go crazy? This whole thing is bringing me down.

I can't seem to talk to anyone, really. I guess I can't even leave the program without the doctor's say-so. So I'm left to suffer. I may just start ranting and raving in group pretty soon and get kicked out...I'm that fed up with the whole situation.

I know I keep rambling on about this, but I need to talk to someone who understands where I'm coming from...and my desperation. I feel like there's not a soul in the world who can help me or even who wants to do so. I feel very helpless right now and it's tearing me apart that I cannot get any immediate help.

I'm not a very patient person and this also makes things much worse for me. I just feel so desperate and alone.