Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in here in a while and thought I would share a little of what is going on.

I haven't been in the hospital since October 18th which is really good for this time of year for me. Believe me there have been times in the last few weeks/days that I should have been in there. Things are just going down hill fast.

My therapist says I am doing good work, but it is going to hurt before it gets better. I tell her I don't want to hurt anymore. I can't take it. I have feelings of when I was in my early 20s when I would kneel on the floor crying telling God to just take me away. I remember those days and now is how I was feeling back then too....if that even makes any sense to anyone.

I wonder many nights if this is ever going to end. It sure doesn't seem like it. Some days I wake up feeling ok and then in the next hour I am in the depth of depression and other things. I'm not saying good things aren't happening, I just don't know how to feel or handle things when they are nice or something good happens. Just seems like after something good happens something bad happens and can't get out of it.

I don't know maybe am just complaining too much and/or having pitty party. These are my feelings and this is what is happening. I just want some relief and so far no good.

hugs,
jen